When Should My Boyfriend Say “I Love You”?

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My first love note came on a wrinkled piece of notebook paper. Playing outside one day, I remember a little boy in the neighborhood coming up to me and saying, “This is from Luke.” I uncrumpled the already wrinkled paper (I assume he changed his mind a few times before deciding to make the proclamation official)  and there it was — two hearts and the words “I Love You” in a wobbly kindergarten font. I was nine years old. I still have that paper.

The words “I love you” leave an etching on a girl’s heart like no other words do.

That is a part of God’s design.

But what happens when those words are said too soon or flippantly?

Or what if they retain no proof?

 

When should he say I love you?

When I was in my twenties, a guy I dated for four years told me he loved me. He told me everyday, without hesitation, and I said it back to him.

Then we broke up.

The first words out of my mouth were, “But I thought you loved me?”

As sweet as they those words sounded throughout the four years, suddenly they felt like they pulled a big “BUT” after them. “I love you, BUT . . . you’re not good enough.”

For me, the words “I love you” meant that I was chosen. Out of all the girls my boyfriend could have dated, I was the one he picked. I was “It”…everything…all of his dreams come true.

There’s no doubt that there are different types of love.

The boy who gave me my first crumbled love note obviously didn’t love me in the same way my boyfriend of four years did. And my boyfriend didn’t love me in the same way my husband does now. However, when you get past love notes written in kindergarten font, the words “I love you” carry much more weight.

It’s like these three words bring with them their own luggage. Each piece of luggage is filled with dreams of the future, the desire to be chosen, and even fulfillment of unmet needs. We hear them and our hearts quicken, our minds race. We start imagining our life with the person saying them, wondering if he’s “the one.” And we start having different expectations.

The words are good when their luggage is being filled with what we expect — when we’re treated well, when we feel loved, and when the relationship is moving forward.

But when the luggage begins to not be filled, we question the meaning of the words. We question what they really mean and if they mean anything at all.

Then the words “I love you” become baggage. The next time someones says “I love you” these questions may start roaming around in your mind. You may find it hard to trust the person saying them.

There’s no universal answer for when it’s okay for a boyfriend to say “I love you” to his girlfriend.

However, it’s wise to remember that every time it is said, there will be bags of expectations to follow. You see, true love is an action. True love is shown through the actions of another person. When a person cannot or does not show action, then the words become meaningless, which ultimately leads to heartbreak.

So my advice to you?

Don’t rush saying “I love you” or pressure your boyfriend into saying it too soon.

Save those words for when love’s first been displayed as action.

Save them for when they can hold the weight of their luggage.

{This was a real question asked by a real teen and answered by a real woman with real truth for you.}

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