How far physically are we allowed to go?

How far physically are we allowed to go?

I remember this was the first thing I wanted to know after becoming saved. I wanted my next relationship to be right in God’s eyes. I began by using the concordance in my new Bible to find some answers, but none seemed to give me a clear direction. I could find verses about sex, but what about kissing? Holding hands? And all the other things we know about that include keeping clothes on and taking them off, without actually having sex?

Much time has passed since I first searched my Bible, and the answers I thought were non-existent are as plain as day to me now. It is because instead of looking for the “dos” and “don’ts” spelled out in verse by verse, I have a better sense of the heart of God and His instructions after studying the Scriptures all these years, as well as a way to process it all in hindsight. I see the effects of sexual impurity on my marriage and in my heart, and I’ve witnessed the same reality play out in countless other women.

God, as a Heavenly Father, isn’t about the “do and don’t” business for the purpose of being mean or difficult. His commands and instructions are deeply rooted in love. He wants His children to be richly blessed, and has established boundaries for sexual intimacy with our best interest in mind.

The answer to this question of “what’s too far” starts by looking at the purpose of intimacy in the first place. Beginning with Genesis 2:24, God plainly declares that he designed one man to be united to one wife. It is a dramatic reality, where a son becomes an adult, leaves his parents home and physically units with his wife. The expression “united as one flesh” describes what we call sex. Therefore, we know absolutely that God intends for sex to be shared between a husband and wife, for life. This means:

1. You are not to have sex with anyone but your husband.
2. You are not to have sex with a friend. Not a friend-with-benefits. Not a boyfriend. Not a fiance. Not a girl. (Yes, I must say “girl” because the world is saying it makes no difference. According to the Scriptures, it certainly does!)

Okay, so no sex outside of marriage! But what about everything else? We must understand the spirit of God’s intent in giving us this command. God knows — we all know — that there is no more intimate bond than that between a husband and wife. Everything is shared and bared before one another. God, in His wisdom, is protecting us when He says it is for one man for one woman. He knows the devastation that will come if we breach this command, because He designed our bodies with hormones and chemical released to function as super-glue in bonding. What happens when to things are glued together, then ripped apart? Both pieces end up broken, with remnant of the other still attached. That’s what happens through having a sexual relationship followed by a break up. Neither of you are left whole and part of you is left with the other.

God wants the marriage bed pure. Picture this sacred place in your mind. Clean. Fresh. Exciting. Precious. Unity. New. Sweetness. Now make a commitment to protect and cherish it! And envision the joy of arriving there with your husband on your wedding night and not a day sooner. It is not to be shared, but coveted and consecrated.

In order to keep that bed pure, it isn’t permissible to even pretend to go the place of “being united as one.” That means not doing anything that acts like s_x (pressed upon one another naked or with clothes on) or touches sexual organs (with hands or other body parts) or causes any arousal and satisfaction of any kind. Any of these acts would fall in the category of sexually immoral and would make the marriage bed impure.

We can’t erase our minds. We are triggered by sight and smell. Any level of intimacy shared with another human being will be easily recalled when in the same position again. Do you really want to remember so-and-so when you are finally with your husband? Likely not.

But what if you know you will never get married, because right now you don’t want to? Take the wisdom of the next generation: You can’t know for certain about tomorrow.

But how far can you go?

Is it wrong to hold hands? No.

Will a kiss on the lips hurt? Maybe not. But will you want more? Yes.

Will it soon become not enough to just share a kiss to express your deep feelings? Yes.

Will you be able to draw a clear cut boundary that you won’t cross? Likely not.

We are prone to sin. Even David, a man after God’s own heart, stumbled and sinned with Bathsheba (Samuel 11). Do you really think you are any better or stronger than him?

If I was going to do it all over again, I would not date until I was ready to get married, after college. I would not be physical with any guy, period. I think I wouldn’t kiss on the lips until I was engaged. Seriously! And nothing more until our wedding night. Why enjoy a few months of pleasure before my wedding and tarnish decades of pleasure to follow by bonding before God intended. The trade off just isn’t worth it.

Therefore, my recommendation to you are as follows:

1. Search the Scriptures. Look up marriage, wife, husband, pure, purity, sex, sexually immoral.
2. Confess to God. Tell Him about any sexual impurity you have already experienced.
3. Allow the Lord’s forgiveness to wash your clean and make you as white as snow. He will. Read Psalm 51.
4. Commit to 100% purity from this point on.
5. If you have a boyfriend (or friends-with-benefits relationships), put the breaks on everything physical.
6. If you are seriously dating, re-evaluate the purpose of it and benefit of continuing.
7. Only spend time with guys in public settings and with a large group of friends.
8. Don’t lay down with a guy or drape your body over him (as you might do when watching a movie, even with a group of friends).
9. Have tremendous modesty in what you wear and how you carry yourself, so that you do not arouse the guys you are with. This is a matter of respect for them, as much as for yourself.
10. If you are not dating, make a commitment to not be in any relationship until your junior or senior year in college, when you are actually closer to marrying age. And apply these boundaries even in that relationship.

What do you think? And why? I look forward to hearing your thoughts!