My relationship with my mom isn’t bad, but I don’t feel like I know her. How can I get to know her better?

My relationship with my mom isn’t bad, but I don’t feel like I know her.  How can I get to know her better?

This is such a hope-filled question.  Truly, it is a blessing to experience a peace-filled relationship with mom.  However, it can hurt right down to the core to feel like you don’t know her either.  For some reason, when someone holds themselves back from us, it always feels like that must be because there is something wrong with “me” instead of “them.”  Usually, however, it is just the opposite.  When a mom or friend guards her heart and thoughts, it is often because she has been hurt at a time she was vulnerable.  The natural reaction is to become very guarded, in every relationship.

I do believe, however, that it is worth the effort of trying to getting to know mom better.  There is no formula for how to do this, but I would recommend the following steps:

Pray!

• Ask the Lord to give your a humble heart full of compassion and love for your mom.
• Ask the Lord to show you any bitterness or unforgiveness in your own spirit, especially towards your mom.  If you need to, forgive her now.  That will have a tremendous impact on your relationship.
• Ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment to know how and when to approach mom.

Be vulnerable and honest!

• Look for times to share your life with your mom.
• Tell her about your friends, school work, interests.
• Tell her about your struggles, fears, concerns.
• Seek her advice and then heed it, if it is consistent with Scripture.
• Consider your roll as daughter.  Are you obeying mom?  Respecting mom?  Or are you being difficult and disobedient?  This will definitely affect your relationship negatively, so get yourself in check before expecting mom to respond to you the way you want.

Seek her out!

• This relationship isn’t just about you.  It is about her, too.  So seek her out not for what you can get but what you can give.
• Offer to do some extra chores.
• Send her a note of encouragement (texting or emailing is great), but don’t ask for anything!
• Ask her out for coffee, and treat with your own money.
• Ask her to tell you about her childhood, job, friends, memories.

Relationships take time to grow and develop.  As you mature from a girl into a young woman, your relationship with mom will also change.  It might be harder for her than for you, so give her grace in the transition. Keep in mind, too, that sometimes moms are going through a tough period themselves, and your roll may simply be to love her unconditionally during this difficult period.

Remember, too, relationships need the ingredients of time, compassion, love, grace, and patience.  Sow those things into your relationship with your mom, and the ultimate result will be a sweet blessing from the Lord!