It’s an honor to have Lori Wildenberg share her heart on parenting teens with us today. Lori and her husband, Tom, live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. A perfect day in Lori’s world is a hike with her husband, four former teens (now young adults), and labradoodle. Lori, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, has co-authored 3 parenting books with her ministry partner, Becky Danielson.
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One of my kids had done poorly on an exam. The class was an especially tough one. (At least it was for my kid.)
“I got the worst grade in the class.”
She was pretty upset, concerned about passing, concerned about her GPA. Since I’m a person who always has struggled with and barely passed math, I felt qualified to give some advice.
“Somebody has to be last. There are just some subjects we are not good at and others we are better at. And it’s okay.”
I put on my parent consultant hat (the parenting style that asks the questions) and asked:
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“I might fail the class”
“If you do fail, what would happen?”
“I’d have to retake the course or keep the F.”
“Would you still graduate?”
“Yes, I guess I would.”
She and I talked and laughed. She came to the conclusion that she would to focus on the next assignment with the goal of passing the class. She decided to forget about attempting to get an A. She made a plan to study with friends who could help her achieve her passing goal.
“I have every confidence in your ability to pass this class. I think you have a good plan in place.”
Relief washed over her. She had permission to stop beating herself up for a poor grade and strive for a reasonable and attainable goal.
Times when our children struggle is ripe time for character building.
We don’t need to fear failure. Some kids think they have to be the best or perfect. They don’t. If they were, they wouldn’t need anyone, they wouldn’t need God, and they would not have compassion for those who do struggle. Struggles are a good thing.
Romans 5:3-4
We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
What Can You Do When Your Teen is Struggling?
When your teen is struggling, consider putting into place these five techniques:
- Normalize the struggle by briefly sharing your own struggles.
- Listen just listen.
- Be the “Consultant” ask questions.
- Be the “Coach”, encourage and guide.
- Avoid rescuing, allow the struggle.
With what things have you struggled?
How have you used those experiences to help your child?
About the 1 Corinthians 13 Parent Series
In 1 Corinthians 13, there are 15 different attributes of love. My co-author, Becky Danielson and I have written two books focused on living and raising kids with these attributes; one book for parents of toddlers to nine-years-old (Raising Little Kids with Big Love) and one for parents of tweens-young adults (Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love) . These books were recently published and can be found on Amazon or at Barnes and Noble.
This month we are launching our book series and sharing the LOVE by offering over $400 worth of prizes. To be eligible for the free gifts: books, jewelry, or parent coaching just leave a comment on this blog or on any 1Corinthians13Parenting.com post during the month of February.
{linking up here}
Thanks for sharing your readers with me, Lisa!
I love asking the “what’s the worst thing that can happen” question. It helps us get to the fear at the heart of the situation. My kids and I walk through this question together as a team. We uncover the irrational fears and find truth. Often discovering there is something we can do together to improve the situation. I hope we can practice this enough that it becomes a habit for life. There is such courage I’m saying I’m afraid.
Emily, Yes. Asking questions does help us get to the root of the issue. Then, as you say, you can talk about it and look at it in the proper perspective. (BTW your name is entered in our Give-Away for this week!)thanks for your comment.