When I started this link up, I confessed…
“I still struggle to define myself by who He says I am and not by what others think. I’m still plagued with bags of childhood lies formed deep within my mind about my worth and what others may think of me. It is no surprise that the fear of what others might say makes me hesitate to be real online.”
It is still true. Three months into this journey of keeping it real, I’m still wrestling with the balance of being authentic and filtered, bold and wise, honest while not making others uncomfortable. There are private lessons I want to share loudly. Should I? Here? Now? Or should I wait, a bit longer?
From mistakes lived out, I’ve come to the conclusion that the time to share should come after the healing begins. It doesn’t need to be complete, but it should not be from the place of wild pain and uncertain fears. When the matter is settled in the Sovereign One’s hands, only then can I share a story that points to Him instead of me.
My throat is bulging with a story I want to tell you now…the healing has begun. The trust is brimming forth. I must leave out the details, but let me paint you a picture of the stage. Imagine me in a sloppy mess of emotion, returning home from a sweaty walk with the dog, grumbling to the Lord the whole way, tears streaming down my face. I’m certain the neighbors think I’m nuts. I collapsed on the porch couch, ready to do something worthwhile to numb out the pain, but instead, the Spirit urged me to the cross. I didn’t need the internet, facebook, or another piece to write. I needed a word from Jesus.
A Crisis of Enough
I cried out to the Lord, “I feel like I am never enough. Nothing I do is good enough. I don’t look pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. I don’t clean the house well enough. I am not smart enough. I can’t sing or pray or think or write or lead or serve or love enough. Someone is always better than me, liked more than me. I know this should not matter. I know I should be content with what you have for me….
But what you have given me and made me to be doesn’t seem to be enough for this world.”
Doesn’t that sound like the words of the Enemy seared in my soul from wounds and lies long told?
I sat still. Confessed ugly. Feeling uglier.
“God, speak to me please. Give me some measure of truth in all of this.”
He spoke. My spirit heard and recorded His words:
“Take a breath. Cry and let it out. I know you are hurting. This stuff is stirring old wounds and it hurts. Let me in to clean out the scar tissue so that you can heal right this time. I know your feelings of not being good enough come from…this…listen to me…listen to this truth…
The combination of instruction and correction without encouragement and affection, play and laughter, is deadly to the soul.
What you need to know is that instruction, correction, and critique are not bad things. Don’t I give you that in my word and through my Spirit? But my love for you, shown through My Son’s death for you, is what allows me to correct you with a gentleness. Without that love, I would be nothing but a tyrant.
Love needs to be shown through touch and words and actions and expressions, so that instruction and correction can be received without wounds being inflicted.
I know you’re hurting from old wounds stirred hard, but don’t pull away. Forgive! Don’t run. Lay this pain and the problems at the foot of the cross, with my Son who took on the sins of this world and will carry your burdens.
You are enough. I’ve told you this before. Your identity and worth is found in me.
You have to stop processing what other’s say as a grading scale of your worth. Out of their hearts their mouth speak. Most of what you hear is their pain. Don’t ingest it. Reject it. It isn’t yours to carry.
I know it hurts…the frustration at not being able to do anything to fix the problems you see and yet also being caught in the middle of them from every angle of your life. Accept this, you have no power to resolve these problems. They are totally out of your control. It is hard for a girl like you, who likes to solve problems. How about letting me be God and solve the problems in this world?
How about worshiping me whole-heartedly, glorifying me with your whole life, and letting the problems rest in my hands?
Let the pain be a reason for prayer.
Prayer is the way to release your pain and face the problems head on.
I can handle it. I am God. I am the one that sees them best, knows all the details, knows the solution. Nothing surprises me. Nothing makes me afraid. Nothing is too much for me.
Will you try to live in a posture of prayer as a response to your problems?
Picture yourself as a pitcher of water. When people and life fill you up, pour it out at the cross. I can handle the flood. It will become part of the living, healing water. For my glory. For my purposes.”
Don’t you love it when a crisis become a victory ushered in by a declaration of truth!
I praise God that I listened to the urging of the Spirit to turn to Jesus instead of my computer or a friend. His answers for me carved another layer of His love into my heart, drawing upon Scriptures that continue unfold in my understanding and application. I am discovering the power of prayer, continually, in my powerlessness. I see the need to express love tangibly, in a whole new way, especially as a wife and mother. With this bit of healing has come a transformation in my life that will leave a lasting impact on my family, too. Praise God!
Have these words touched you today? Are these truths you needed to hear? I hope you take a minute to let me know and share a comment or email (lisa at moretobe dot com), so that I can pray for you.
You are not alone. You are enough in Christ.
*Related verses: 1 John 3:16, 1 John 4:16, Proverbs 3:12, Joel 2:13, 1 Corinthians 13, Matthew 11:29-30, Galatians 5:1, 1 John 4:10-11, James 5:16, 1 Thessalonians 5:17, Philippians 4:6, 2 Corinthians 5:17, John 7:38, Isaiah 44:3
Join In, Link Up
All you have to do is tag an already-written-post from the last month that resonates with purpose of this real gathering of writer hearts. Your post should share a story, a confession, a lesson learned, or a God-truth, in which you reveal you don’t have it all together, but are striving toward the cross and desire to glorify God, even in your mess.
If you have any questions or ideas to make this meaningful, share it with me in a comment below or email me at lisa(at)moretobe(.)com. In the meantime, grab the button and invite your friends to keep it real, from the heart.
To link up, leave a link to your blog post in the comments. The linky tool is having issues that I can’t seem to resolve. I’ll come up with another solution by next month!