The One Thing I Wish I Had from My Mom

I loved going to my friend Diane’s house when we were in middle school, and I went there often. Almost every Friday night, I would spend the night, and we would watch TV, eat, and talk. I don’t remember doing anything more special than just hanging out. I do remember, however, Donnie Walburg and the the rest of the “New Kids on the Block” guys adorning the walls in her bedroom.

And I remember her mom.

When the school bus stopped right in front of Diane’s house, her mom was always there. We walked from the carport into the kitchen where she’d greet us. She wasn’t cheesy or annoying like middle schoolers might consider moms being. Instead it was like a sense of security washed over me when I saw her. The TV was never on. There were no distractions. We would get a snack of chips or ice cream and sit at the kitchen table. And Diane’s mom would sit with us.

She would talk to us.

Again, I don’t remember the conversations being anything profound. I don’t remember them being preachy. I don’t remember them being annoying. I do remember the story she told about how she met her husband, Diane’s dad. And I remember that she said she was so thin as a child that even in the summer she wore a sweater because she stayed cold all the time.

My mom didn’t sit and talk to me like this.

Now, please, hear me when I say my mom was a wonderful mother. She passed away three years ago today, and I am very grateful for the many sacrifices she made for me.

But I still don’t know much about her. Now she isn’t here, and I will never know.

My life was different from Diane’s. We grew up in the eighties, and in my house the TV was always on. My mom, brother, and I often ate dinner before my dad got home, so while my brother and I ate, my mom ate too . . . while reading the newspaper.

As an adult I realize that my memories are probably not one hundred percent accurate. I realize that we all internalize some events as they truthfully occurred and others as we perceived them to be…which isn’t necessarily one hundred percent reality.

But for me, this is how I remember my mother.

I wish we could have talked more.

This past November God blessed my husband and I with a baby girl. I asked God specifically for a girl. Yes, I know I’m not “supposed” to care, but I did. I wanted a girl desperately. The reason is so that I could “get it right.”

Mother-daughter tension and isolation and silence and passive-aggressive behavior has been the mantra of our family for a few generations now. I want it to stop. So I asked God for a girl in hopes that He would use me to stop it.

Now that my baby is here I see how hard it is to tune-out all the distractions of the world and focus intentionally on my baby daughter. Even though she’s only ten months old, I want to start now. I want to talk to her, look her in the eyes, show her the world, and spend time with her.

Then there’s my Smartphone, the internet, texts, demands, my dreams, my husband, exhaustion.

It’s not easy. I know it wasn’t easy for my mom, either.

However, with God, it is possible.

So, friends, from a daughter who who didn’t get long conversations over snack time after school or even long conversations much at all, I’ll tell you the one thing I wish I had from my mom: her voice.

Her stories.

Her eyes looking directly into mine.

Her undivided attention.

And emotional connection.

Those experiences would have given me lessons and security to take into my future.

That’s my prayer for my relationship with my daughter. I know it’s not going to be easy. I also know that with God’s guidance, and even more so His grace, it is possible.

TWEENS, TEENS, & 20s

Do you want your mom to share her voice, time, and attention with you?  Would you be willing to tell her that’s what you crave? Maybe send her a link to this post to start the conversation together.

MOMS

How do you feel about your relationship with your own mom? What did you want to do similarly or differently as a mom now? Is your daughter (or son) waiting to hear your voice and see your face, without any distraction in the way?

MENTORS

How can you challenge the women or girls in your life to connect with their mothers and daughters?