Do you struggle to connect with your teen children?
Does it feel like your teen is slipping away like sand racing through your fingers?
With each passing day, so many moms feels like they know less and less of what it going on in their teen’s heart, mind, life and relationships, as their questions and pursuits are rejected with silence. Without words being exchanged it seems impossible to keep the relationship going. Our words are the different pieces of thread the God uses to weave our lives together. {click to tweet} When communication breaks down, the relationship hangs the balance.
So can the habit of silence be undone?
Is it possible for a difficult relationship between a mom and her teen to be healed and transformed?
Can a vibrant dialogue emerge out of a once silent place?
Changing an unhealthy pattern of communicating is never easy. It feels as awkward for the parent as much as it does for the teen. While I’ve not been the “momma” in this type of relationship, I was certainly a teen who shut down and pulled away from my parents. One day, like the transitioning of changing lanes on the highway, I moved out of regular conversations with my mom and into silence.
Was it her fault? Was it my hormones over-reacting? Was it triggered by one of the many trauma’s our family faced?
I’ve searched long and hard and sought the Lord for an answer. I can see, in hindsight, that my drama-teen years were a little too much for my mom. As a mom, now, I understand our emotional limitations better. I’ve always been intense, and as a teen was I often demanding and emotional. In my mother’s defense, I think she was short on her own emotional reserves and needed to put up a boundary of “Honey, I love you, but I can’t do this now…”. Yet what I heard was,”You’re too much for me…”, so I turned elsewhere to share my heart. I’m sure there were other reasons I stopped sharing and talking, but my “miss-hearing” is the one pivotal moment that marks when our relationship radically changed.
What Causes Communication Breakdown?
There are dozens of reasons our own teens will withdraw and offer a cold shoulder with the silent treatment. Forever I’ve wanted to know the “why” so I’d be sure to not repeat the pattern as a mom. I wanted to discover a “how to not do this” formula, so that I could tell all the parents of the teens I’ve worked with how to improve their communication. I certainly have not found a formula, but through my fifteen plus years working with teens along with my life coaching training, I have nailed down some influences that cause a communication break down and approaches to take to improve communication.
Influences
These three influences will often lead to communication break down. Understanding their effect can offer such tremendous insight as to why there is a disconnect with your teen.
- Influence of Unhealthy Habits
Has the communication issue been influenced by an unhealthy habit on your part, such as a critical spirit, high expectations, constant nagging, outbursts of anger or emotions, betrayal, a lack of integrity, or rejection of your teen? Have this habits and behaviors caused your teen to retreat? If this is the case, confess these issues (and/or sin) to the Lord and seek help in learning how to change. Approach your teen in humility and seek their forgiveness as well, with a commitment to move forward in a healthier way. - Influence of Hurt
Has the silence stemmed from a hurt, disappointment, or loss your teen’s life? If so, have they been given the support system to grieve and heal? Do they need to see a Christian counselor or be mentored by someone other than you? Focus on the Family can help you find a Christian counselor in your area. - Influence of Wiring
Sometimes the communication breakdown is simply the result of different personalities struggling to hear each other clearly. Do you have an understanding of your natural wiring, personality, gift set, learning style, and even love language? Do you understand your teen’s? Often, our communication breakdown rests in the fact that we’re not speaking “their language” while expecting them to speak ours. Consider using these free assessment tools for discovering your wiring and your teen’s.
Approaches
Communicating is truly an art form. It requires listening carefully, with our whole body. It depends on speaking thoughtfully, considering the power of our words. And it also needs the power of open-ended questions, used in life coaching, to draw out the heart and mind of another person. Consider using these six techniques in communicating with your teen:
- Approach with open-ended Questions!
And open-ended question requires more than a one-word answer and/or opens the door to asking further questions. For example, if you ask, “How was your day?” all they have to give is a one-word answer. “Good. Bad. Eh. Okay.” That’s called a closed-ended question. But if you ask, “Who did you eat with at lunch today?”, more questions can be pulled out. They may answer with, “Tom.” But then you can ask, “What is it that you like about spending time with Tom?” or “How are things going with Tom’s parents?”
- Shape your response with more questions and restate what you hear!
Rather coming up with a response that reflects your opinion, craft a response with another question. This is especially helpful for those opinionated and critical mommas among us, and can avoid a massive amount of conflict. Restating what you hear helps them to know you are listening and engaged. You don’t want to make assumptions or jump to conclusions, so pay attention to what they are saying, and sometimes, what they are not saying! - Avoid the lecture!
Connecting with a teen isn’t about you telling them what you think or how they should think (or behave). Yes, this needs to happen in times of discipline, but don’t confuse that part of parenting with the times of communicating for the sake of building a relationship. Tweens and teens want to feel confident in their own decision making. A lecture makes them feel anything but confident. If you feel compelled to teach a point, continue to do so through asking questions and asking permission to share. - Offer a word of encouragement!
Look for a character strength you see in them that relates to what they have shared that would be a source of encouragement.This also helps guard you from jumping into fix-it mode as you focus instead on on their abilities and God-given strengths. - Ask for permission to explain your feelings and to share what’s going on it with you!
A relationship requires two people, right? So offer a part of yourself to them, but do so by asking for their permission. At first, this may make them feel awkward, so follow their cues and keep it short, if necessary. Be authentic and transparent with them, too. If you have a story relevant to their experience that you want to share, ask for permission before your tell it. This guards you from becoming a run-away-story-train, derailing from their life and putting the focus on you. Asking permission to share your story puts your teen in a teachable position, since they have to agree to listen to you, too.
As you consider intentional communication using these techniques, strive to implement them during natural times such as driving in the car or while you’re fixing dinner! Or set the stage by being home when they are home and fixing a cup of tea, milkshake, or snack to share together. As I share in Impact My Life, taking time to share a cup of tea together may be just the warmth a relationships needs to start up again.
Communication is art that connects our lives together. It requires the implementation of these basic principles, but will look differently in each and every relationship. Don’t give up on making art through communicating with your teens. {click to tweet} It is a gift you’re giving to them, even if the process is ever-changing and always requiring more of you.
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