I stood at the door listening to the argument escalating between my daughters. Crouched and ready to pounce in fear of the damage that would be done with their words, I silently prayed…
Oh God. Please make this stop.
If it wasn’t for my husband’s ability to hold me back, I would have marched in determined to force peace back onto our lives. Of course, with my adrenalin pumping, I’m sure my efforts at peace would be more like a flame to fireworks. Before I had a chance to decide what to do next, the door flung open. She was finally exasperated enough to seek our intervention, finding herself at a loss for how to win her side of the fight — a fight that was over nothing at all. Their argument was rooted in little offenses and frustrations built up over time. The question before us now was how to resolve the pent up emotion and reconcile any wrongs committed — both before the fight and during it.
By God’s grace, I choose to leave my anger and frustration at the door and entered into their relationship uncharacteristically calm. It was certainly a mommy-moment marked by the Holy Spirit guiding my words, as we sought to deal with the heart issues in light of the ugly behavior that just transpired.
After walking through the scenario with my own daughters, I came to the conclusion {finally} that eliminating conflict is highly unlikely. Conflict is a part of life, often rooted in misunderstanding. What we hear is often not what is meant. What we say is often not communicated clearly. I believe this has so much to do with our natural, God-given wiring. He designed each of us uniquely, but often our differences become a source of frustration. Add to our difference our issues — like our insecurities, wounds, and fears — and well, the communication wave-lengths are jumbled like a game of telephone gone awry.
So what should we do when communication breaks down and conflict arises?
Learning how to deal with conflict through improving communication skills is something we need to practice as adults and also teach to the next generation. With that goal in mind, we can use difficult relationships — even amongst siblings — as training ground for how to navigate through conflict. For example, we have to learn and practice the following conflict-management techniques:
- lowering our voice and taking a deep breath
- use “I feel” expressions rather than “you make me” accusations
- avoiding broad sweeping words, like “always, never, all the time” and use specifics situations
- allowing the other person to answer and explain without interrupting
- walk away for a period of time with a commitment to return to the conversation by a certain time
Conflict within a family can really be a great way of teaching communication and resolution skills, but it is equally important to seize the moment to impart the biblical principles for how to navigate through (and hopefully around) conflict. For example, we can talk about the fact that it is hard to live in peace with others, but that is why God encourages us to strive for it — like a runner on the track coming to end of the race, stridin hard toward the finish line. Great runners press hard through the finish line, not giving up until after they cross it. This same principle is necessary in our relationships, too.
Hebrews 12:14 ESV
Strive for peace with everyone…
We can also encourage what it would look like to be a person who is slow to anger and who overlooks an offense. By looking at their natural wiring, we can help them to learn how to deal with their own internal combustion tank (anger). We can also teach that overlooking an offense doesn’t mean “being a door mat” and getting walked on. Rather it means taking stock of the situation, living in the truth, and following through with others in a respectable way.
Proverbs 19:11 ESV
Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Conflict is a part of a life.
So why not use the conflict-ridden situations to impart biblical principles and life skills so the next generation may navigate through it a little more gracefully for the glory of God?
What healthy steps do you take when faced with conflict, personally, or with your own children, that you would add to these suggestions?
Additional Resource:
Download Conquering Conflict & Establishing Boundaries
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