These are really wise questions to be considered, so kudos to the gal who wants to know! However, let me offer a disclaimer in that I don’t believe it is a good idea to have a boyfriend or spend lots of time with a guy while still in high school. My thoughts on this subject stem from issues of intimacy and a desire to remain pure emotionally and physically until marriage. Yet, that being said, for the benefit of those who already have a boyfriend, or who want guy friendships, it is good to know what to look for and what to stay away from.
Let’s start with the bad boyfriend question first, for that is an easy one to find answers about in Scripture. There are a number of places where God describes the character of a man, in the context of being a husband and as well as a follower of Christ. In my opinion, a good boyfriend would be able to fit these descriptions and a bad boyfriend would not. Of course, we are all a work in progress, so they don’t need to be perfect, but striving for doing things God’s way, the right way.
This passage from Ephesians 5, in the Message translation, is a perfect example of how a good boyfriend should live and how he should treat you:
Ephesians 5
Wake Up from Your Sleep
1-2Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.3-4Don’t allow love to turn into lust, setting off a downhill slide into sexual promiscuity, filthy practices, or bullying greed. Though some tongues just love the taste of gossip, those who follow Jesus have better uses for language than that. Don’t talk dirty or silly. That kind of talk doesn’t fit our style. Thanksgiving is our dialect.
5You can be sure that using people or religion or things just for what you can get out of them—the usual variations on idolatry—will get you nowhere, and certainly nowhere near the kingdom of Christ, the kingdom of God.
6-7Don’t let yourselves get taken in by religious smooth talk. God gets furious with people who are full of religious sales talk but want nothing to do with him. Don’t even hang around people like that.
8-10You groped your way through that murk once, but no longer. You’re out in the open now. The bright light of Christ makes your way plain. So no more stumbling around. Get on with it! The good, the right, the true—these are the actions appropriate for daylight hours. Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it.
11-16Don’t waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It’s a scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ.
Wake up from your sleep,
Climb out of your coffins;
Christ will show you the light!
So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times!17Don’t live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants.
18-20Don’t drink too much wine. That cheapens your life. Drink the Spirit of God, huge draughts of him. Sing hymns instead of drinking songs! Sing songs from your heart to Christ. Sing praises over everything, any excuse for a song to God the Father in the name of our Master, Jesus Christ.
Relationships
21Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.22-24Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
25-28Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.
29-33No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
What does this all mean? You should use the Scriptures above along with these related questions to evaluate the character of a guy and/or boyfriend. Does he…
- loves Jesus?
- seeks to do things God’s way, according to Scripture?
- treat others kindly — including his family, his mother, siblings, little children, animals, friends, strangers?
- treat me with love and respect, putting his needs aside when possible to consider mine (the same is expected of you, too!)?
- not give in to temptation or pressure me s_xually?
- not lie, steal, cheat, or sneak around?
- not curse, drink, smoke, or do drugs?
This is a good guy!
But if you answer yes to these questions, does he…
- bully?
- curse often?
- push me to be s_xually immoral?
- become consumed with fame, money, status?
- make fun of me and/or others?
- act disrespectfully to me or others?
- lies steal, sneak around?
- jump from girl to girl to girl?
I would walk away from this relationship, for a guy like this is bad news, until he gets right with God and changes his ways dramatically.
How much time should you spend with your boyfriend, or a guy? Honestly, in my opinion, as little as possible! Unless you are about to get married, the guy you are with is simply consuming your time and not giving you anything of value in return. That’s not to say he is not valuable. Of course he is. He is made in the image of God and hanging out with him in a group setting will teach you a lot and likely bring a smile to your face. However, time alone with a guy is dangerous for two reasons: the temptation to go too far physically and the cost of your friendships.
You should look for times to be in a group, instead of alone with a guy. Your girl friends will be the ones around in years from now, not the guy you like. You need your friends, to laugh with, cry with, have fun with. If you ditch them to spend your free time with a guy, your girl friendships will eventually be hurt because of the lack of time together. In order to bond with friends, time is critical. Don’t trade your friendships with girls for a boyfriend. It is a loss that can’t be gained back, and in the long run, you’ll be sorry. Instead of looking for your needs to be met, especially by a guy, focus your time on being a better friends with guys and girls alike!
What do you think? Does this answer raise more questions? Feel free to ask and to leave your comments below!
love this article elisa!! it’s a great reference point for parents to share with their daughters. and also to share with sons or potential boyfriends who are open to striving to be better in their relationships.